Call it what you may: baby blues, stress, exhaustion, sadness, frustration, but whatever you call it, "it" is difficult. You may discuss postpartum depression with your doctor at your 6-week recovery visit and sometimes a friend will ask you how you are doing. You know postpartum depression can happen anytime during the first year after the baby's birth, but this isn't postpartum depression and you know it. You aren't in denial. You have no problem making a doctor's appointment if you suspected it was. This is the Mama Blues.My youngest baby is now 3 months old and my oldest is 3 years old, and I woke up this morning feeling blue and all alone. Maybe it was because my alarm was the baby projectile puking milk over the rail of the crib and onto the floor. No, that's not the cause of this feeling, but it didn't help my mood.
Am I the only one who feels like it is taboo to have a discussion about these feelings. I don't know if you have noticed, but admitting you are sad or blue has negative consequences in many professions and environments. I feel like there is this stigma, "What is wrong with you?" Or I feel like I am judged as psychotic because I get blue about another day of pumping milk, spit up and diapers. But, I brought this on myself, "right?" I wanted this. "Didn't I?"I don't regret having my boys and I enjoy being a mother, so why do I feel like, "this sucks." At six weeks postpartum, I had the discussions with the doctor about postpartum depression. I had some baby blues with baby number 1 and have had depression non-related to pregnancy in the past, so I know what I am feeling is not depression. So I call it the Mama Blues.
What is causing my Mama Blues? Well, they have been building over the past few weeks and months. Maybe they will go away tomorrow, or maybe they will still be here when I wake up. Here is my list of causes to get them off my chest, rant, and share what I know has contributed to it.-My husband's employer has been working him 70 hour weeks since he returned from family leave. On top of it, he works nights and is always exhausted and living on a different schedule than us. He tries to help, but without good sleep, he does not have much patience for baby issues. Why isn't it legal for my husband to say, "No, I am sorry. I have worked my 40 hours, and my family needs me at home. I will do my best to put in additional time where I can, but I can't work every day for 3 weeks straight!"
-My baby has some kind of protein allergy. We are starting to get a handle on it, but after 12 weeks of crying, spit up, puke, projectile, inconsolable crying, colic research, elimination diets, and testing formula, I am exhausted.
-I would normally cheer myself up on a grumpy day like this with ice cream or pizza, but I can't have either one of those right now because they will make Baby's tummy wrench in pain tomorrow after he has my milk.
-I don't have an outlet right now, and I seriously need one or time without the children. But getting an hour of free time is impossible, right now. I am sorry, call me overprotective, but I will not leave my children with just anyone, and yes there are people I trust, but they have lives too.
-"Good" help has been limited since my husband went back to work. Again, I will not put my children in the care of just anyone, but I don't think safety is too much to ask. "Good" help means the person must be willing to:
- Follow my instruction on feeding issues. Yes, they are both allergic to things.
- Keep them safe. They are not allowed to run around in the front yard without supervision. They need to wear helmets when riding bikes, and you must be in enough physical shape to keep up with them. They are well disciplined, listen well, but they are under the age of 5. Need I say more.
- Follow the house rules. Food must stay in the kitchen and drinks must have a lid. If you are not willing to do this, then your help is not appreciated because you make more work for me to do after you leave.
- Insist the kids use their manners. Yelling and screaming are outside activities. I work from home and these behaviors make producing a quality product impossible.
-I would like to know why people think visiting to hold the baby is helping. Good help also means being willing to "help" around the house. It means offering to help with dishes and the pile of bottles on the counter, complete light housework like vacuuming so I can put the baby on the floor without worry, helping fold the pile of laundry in the kids room. I am sorry but if you are not willing to be "good" help, then you are no help at all and just add to my frustration.
-I have asked for help from family and friends who I know would be good helpers, but very little assistance has been given. This makes me hurt, disappointed, and angry. I know it is not right to project these feeling on other people because it is not their fault I feel this way. Many of them have legit burdens they are dealing with, We all have our burdens and this is mine. Some may say, I set my standards too high, so no one wants to help, but the funny thing is you expect the same behavior from my kids when they visit your house. I just don't understand why motherhood has to be so lonely.
-A mother-in-law who isn't "good" help. I know because I have gone out of my way to try and let her help over the past 3 years. My good helper rules were written mostly because of her. And to make things worse, she decided to write me a letter telling me how she deserves time with her grandkids. Nothing in the letter said anything about helping me in my time of need. It was all about her. She gets plenty of time with her grandkids, and the only reason my mom gets more time is because she is a good helper. She cleaned my house for me for 6 weeks before the baby was born, and still helps out around the house weekly. If my mom wasn't a good helper she wouldn't be invited to help either. Trust me. She knows this. We have had our growing pains over the years. She knows blood doesn't entitle you.-Everyone who assumes I have enough help because my mother-in-law lives two miles away.
-Lastly, trying to juggle all this stated above plus 10-30 hours of work per week contributing to the financial well-being of our family. Yes, I have to work, and we don't live extravagantly. We have a few toys, but those were paid for by working a second job before I had kids. I watch the budget like a hawk. Yes, I am a control freak about the finances and the kids, but we have minimum debt and I am complimented constantly on how well-behaved my kids are. I am fortunate enough to be self-employed and can work from home, but I do need to work. I call myself a Work From Home Mom.
Ah finally, at least that is all off my chest. So, what's the point of me writing this article? Well first, I hope that family members and friends of moms with babies will read this and remember how hard it is, and maybe step up a little more to be "good" helpers. Second and most importantly, I just want other moms (or dads) to know that it's okay to feel sad, frustrated, all alone, depressed, miserable, or grumpy. I know you still love your kids and are still a good parent.
