Yes, the 4th Trimester is real. To explain, it is the first three months after the baby is born. It was the three month period where I worked day and night to keep my baby alive, to maintain my sanity, dealt with baby blues, and tried and keep my family from falling apart. No, this wasn't all my responsibility, but I had to deal with all these issues. My other blog posts cover some of those issues. In this blog post, I want to share the hope that it will get easier between 4-6 months. I am at 6 months postpartum and life is almost feeling like it should (or what I hoped it would feel like with two young kids). Below is my story of hope for new moms and parents.
Background Story
At the end of three months, I was at my wits end. My colicy baby was still having problems. My husband worried me and still had not attached to the baby. I understood that loving a crying baby was difficult. I was having issues too, but some of his comments made me worried to leave the baby with him. Sleep was still an issue and neither one of us were getting enough. This made us short with each other and made it difficult to communicate, which led to fights. At one point I was so frustrated that I told my mom, "I can't live this way. I love him, but I can't take this very much longer." Yes, I even mentioned the D word, if this path continued.
At the breaking point I asked my husband, "Do you even love the baby? You act like he is the worst thing in life." After this we both starting striving to communicate better with each other. In our sleep deprived state this was a challenge, but it helped. As we dealt with the colic and baby became more interactive, Daddy did show more bonding with the baby.
I also tried writing out a list of a few things that were working for the family and kept trying to do those things. This helped. I next asked my husband to give me three things I could work on that would make things easier for him. He never came up with an exact answer, but this helped him feel and see that I cared about him. I also started being the night caregiver instead of splitting the shift. He was sweet to want to help, but his lack of sleep only caused more problems.
At the worst of it, my husband accused me of having Postpartum Depression, but I felt like this was more of a re-direct of emotion. I was already on medicine to reduce anxiety, so I didn't feel like this was the answer for my issues. However, I highly recommend trying it if you are in a dark place. I started taking it one month after having my first child, and if I miss a dose for a few days we can tell a difference. After much research I learned my condition is caused by a lack of serotonin in the brain. There was nothing I did to cause this condition. It wasn't my fault. It was biological. And I can honestly say that a little bit of replacement medicine has saved my marriage and made me the mother I dreamed of being. It makes me the person I always wanted to be but couldn't ever reach with natural assistance like fitness, sports, and positive mental self-talk.
Anyway, since I knew medicine wasn't going to help me this time, and I have never had success with phycologists, I decided to join an online chat support group. It was private, anonymous and helped get me through those two or three really dark weeks. I read posts from women going through the exact same feeling I was. We were able to share advice and tips which was very comforting and healing during a time when you feel like no one in our life understands.
Shortly after my son turned 4 months, I was offered a contract position to work about 7 hours per week away from home. This has helped amazingly. It has given me time away from the kids doing something I enjoy while still feeling like I am providing for the family. It also has given my husband time to bond with the baby which has helped immensely. I am self-employed and complete contracts off and on. I normally work 20-30 hours per week at home. With son number one I didn't return to work until 12 weeks, but with son number two, I was working a few hours per week almost immediately. You do what you have to do to support your family, but this definitely added to the struggle of the 4th trimester.In Summary
To sum it up, we now have our baby's tummy issues under control, so his colic screaming has diminished for the most part. Now, we just have to deal with the occasional teething grumpiness. The baby now has a personality and has made him much more enjoyable for daddy and brother. We are communicating much better. We are getting a bit more sleep, most nights. I am getting out of the house and get to work face-to-face with other adults for a few hours per week. Things aren't "perfect" but they are our much more enjoyable and reasonable. Some of our 4th Trimester issues took care of themselves with time. Other issues were helped by empathy for each other, patience, and trying to communicate better. 
The Best Advice for the 4th Trimester
The best advice I heard when things were dark and when I was at my wits end was, "Don't do anything drastic until you reach 6 months. Most of the time it will get much easier by then."
Today is our 5 year Anniversary and baby is 6 months old next week. Yes, things are so much easier. Yes, hard, but so much easier.
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